Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Every Facebook Post You'll Ever Read

For those of you who are new around these parts, this is my husband:


Basically, he's awesome. (And a babe, but I guess some might consider me to be biased, haha.) One of my favorite things about Ken is that he makes me laugh pretty much every day. The other day, he posted this as his Facebook status:


This doesn't seem like a particularly exciting status, but since his friends are equally hilarious, this is what happened. First, a brief introduction to the cast of characters:

This is Pete. Pete is one of Ken's best friends and was the best man at our wedding.

This is Ken. You know him already.

This is Del, another one of Ken's best friends. You can't tell from this tiny picture, but he's sleeping with an Indiana Jones hat on his face. Because he's Indiana Jones, duh.

This is Ian, who Ken met through Pete.

This is me. Hi!

I don't know this person. Also it's a picture of a dog, which doesn't help me. Sorry, random-person-whose-Facebook-photo-is-a-dog.

This is Adam, another really good friend of Ken's.

Ok, so... here we go!




Life advice.
Gratitude.

Humble brag.

Meta post.

Doge reference.

Politics.

Opposite politics.

Extremely long political rebuttal.

Unnecessary personal insult.

Desperate last minute attempt to sell concert ticket.

Buzzfeed quiz.

Support this Kickstarter.

Workout update.

Pet story.

It's not Friday.

Sepia-filtered picture of my dinner.

Meme about something that ain't nobody got time for.

Blatant spoiler of that thing you're watching.

Uh, dude. Tomorrow's already the 10th.

Duckface

Year old meme.

Assertion.

"Assertion" lol look at this stupid assertion

Somebody gave a life in some facebook game I don't wtf

Invite to a Facebook game you will never want to play.

Non sequitur from someone with nothing to contribute to this conversation.

Some dbag listened to lana del rey or whatever on spotify.

Someone doesn't know how to change their Spotify settings.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM YOUR AUNT

Someone complains about something that can be changed in under 30 seconds in their Facebook account settings.

Ken, why is your Aunt Internet Yelling?

Heartfelt-worded disclosure that no one believes or cares about but hey here's a "Like"

Aphorism - in a pic

Passive-aggressive open letter that is clearly about someone who will actually read it, or who isn't even on Facebook.

Some goon you pity-friended tagged you in a photo from April 11, 1998

A friend request from someone you're not sure you actually know.

28th notification from a power thread you commented on once over an hour ago.

Pete, you tell me, she's your aunt.

Are we secretly brothers? Is this how our story enters its FINAL ACT?

Inside joke no one else gets but will "like" anyway.

Complaint about weather.

A friend request from a relative or inlaw that you leave permanently in friend-limbo because you obviously can't friend them but if you decline the request, they'll just ask again. And again. And again.

...

Adam, come gaze with us into the Facebook abyss, and let it gaze into you.

Repost of something from The Onion or similar satirical site, but posted as actual news.

Sensationalist scientific article with no verifiable claims.

An awesome recipe you will never make.

A question to the whole of Facebook, to which the best answer would be, "Let me Google that for you."

That was some fine work, everyone. I'm pretty sure we defeated Facebook tonight.

That'll do, Facebook. That'll do.

(Fin)

*******

What do you think? Did we miss any?

- A